


To Say Goodbye

by ludgerkresnik



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, M/M, Post-Canon, Spoilers, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-22
Updated: 2018-12-22
Packaged: 2019-09-24 18:11:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17105615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ludgerkresnik/pseuds/ludgerkresnik
Summary: All his thoughts, his feelings, they all come tumbling out before he can stop them. Simultaneously, he feels so much lighter and heavier.(Spoilers for episode 24, spoilers for everything)





	To Say Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos/comments appreciated!
> 
> I have no explanation for this. Only pain. Inspired by the song, "Kiss While Your Lips Are Still Red" by Nightwish and "Nothing Makes Sense Anymore" by Mike Shinoda.
> 
> Possible triggering content ahead.

Winter feels oddly quiet to Eiji, even the passing cars and all the people he maneuvers past, all seem so muted. It’s been  _ months,  _ yet he still hears Shunichi give him the words he had never wanted to hear, his sorrowful expression etched into the back of his mind. He doesn’t know who to blame,  _ if  _ there’s any blame to be had. All he feels is...he doesn’t know  _ what  _ he feels.

His breath catches in his throat, and Eiji has to swallow the lump that’s formed and pretend he doesn’t feel the familiar sting of tears in his eyes. He has cried too much this past, from the moment he stepped onto that plane and when they had landed. Yet, he couldn’t shut himself away--it’s not what Ash would have wanted him to do.

Why does he care about what Ash would have wanted? He’s  _ dead.  _ Yet, despite that, a little voice whispers,  _ ‘You loved him.’  _ Eiji’s not up for arguing with his psyche. There’s no way that’s even healthy. It’s about on the same level as him fighting with a dead person.

Eiji stuffs his hands into the pockets of his jacket and ducks his head down. Ash should have gone with him to Japan, he should have  _ stayed  _ in America. When he reaches the little cafe, he wants to turn around, text an apology to Shunichi and go back home. Yet, he doesn’t because that’s rude and he was told it’s important.

He pulls one hand out of his pocket, fingers wrapped around the metal of the handle and he pulls it open, the bell above gives a little jingle. Eiji wonders if he’s stepping into another world as he crosses the threshold.

The warmth of the cafe engulfs him, almost burning at his frozen cheeks. Shunichi is tucked away in a corner, having already ordered himself a drink and his eyes scanning a newspaper and his phone is on the table. Eiji pauses for a moment, hesitant to even approach--yet he does.

“Hey,” Shunichi greets, his voice quieter than the chatter around them. Eiji sheds his coat and sits down across from him. “Would you like to go with me, on another trip?”

“Where?” Eiji isn’t so sure he’s ready for that again. This last time, he ended falling in love and losing that lover within a years span.

“Across Europe and then, Africa.” Shunichi sense Eiji’s hesitancy. “No gangs, don’t worry. It’ll just be about local cultures and cuisines.”

“I don’t know,” Eiji finally answers, feeling ill so suddenly. The different smells makes his stomach feel queasy. “Maybe not right now.”

Despite how disappointed he looks, Shunichi offers him a smile. “I understand. It was rude of me to think it’d be okay to ask.”

Eiji slumps forward a bit. “Don’t worry about it.” He looks out the window, staring at the calmly falling snow. His eyes catch the sight of blonde hair, and his hopes rise--however futile it is. Of course disappointment comes crushing in as the stranger who looks nothing like Ash passes by. “I want to go back to America.”

Shunichi’s eyes go wide at that. “Really?”

Eiji looks at him again. He doesn’t know what his expression is, he doesn’t know what he’s feeling. His stomach hurts even worse. “Yeah. I uh. I want to say goodbye. Officially.”

Shunichi’s expression softens. “Eiji,” he starts, and then, doesn’t continue speaking.

“Ash,” His name comes out so fast, it feels like it’s poisonous to say--like a curse. “Ash once said that nobody would care about people like him. And-and--” Of course, he’s stuttering now. Eiji feels so  _ stupid  _ for getting so upset. “That’s not true.” He falters as he says that, the words forced out past the lump in his throat and the ache in his chest. 

He can still clearly see Ash in his mind, his voice still so clear. He’d looked so sad when he said that, that brief moment where those walls he’d built crumbled ever so slightly.  _ “The system doesn’t care about us. Just another problem that’s finally gone.” _ Despite the blasé tone, Ash was so  _ angry. _

Ash never stopped mourning Shorter’s death, despite how he tried pretend he did.

Where is his  _ hurt  _ supposed to be directed at?

“I understand.” Those words drag Eiji back, almost startling him. Shunichi’s phone lights up. Akira is calling him. “Would you like me to go with you?”

“I, uh,” Eiji doesn’t know. Perhaps he’d like the companionship? “Yeah,” he finally breathes out. Maybe this will put Ash’s soul to rest. Maybe he’ll be able to have peace of mind.

“New York it is.” Despite how happy Shunichi sounds, to Eiji, those words feel like an even worse curse.

“Great!” Eiji forces himself to smile at the thought. He never ordered anything, and he’s glad Shunichi is polite enough to not point it out. “I have to go. I think I should go see my parents.”

“Sure.” Shunichi says, finally picking up his phone. “My niece is calling anyways.” He watches as Eiji gets up and starts putting on his jacket and scarf. “Hey, one more thing?”

“Yeah?” He just wants to go  _ home. _

“It wasn’t your fault.”

Time comes to a halt and the noise around him mutes. “What?” Eiji is frozen in his position--coat half way on and one arm stuck in the air.

Shunichi is staring at him right in the eyes. “It wasn’t your fault, Eiji.” There’s a hot flare up in his chest and once more, his throat constricts. “You need to know that there is absolutely nothing you could have done.”

_ I have this argument with myself every day,  _ Eiji thinks. “I should have stayed.” He can’t stop his voice from breaking, he can’t fight down the tears. “I should have forced him to come.” All those words, those thoughts come spilling out before he can stop them. Simultaneously, he feels so much lighter and heavier. 

“Eiji,” Shunichi says, softly.

He feels dramatic when he says those things. Eiji draws in a deep breath, forcing the swell of oncoming tears down. “I’m sorry.” Eiji whispers, unable to look at his friend. “I’m sorry.”

“Want me to accompany you home?”

“Yeah.”

So, Shunichi gets up and readies himself for the cold.

The return home feels bitter, slow and too fast. He almost asks Shunichi to stay when they get to his apartment, but feels as though he shouldn't.

“Thank you,” Eiji says, quietly as they reach his door. “Thank you.”

Shunichi pats his back. “Will you be okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Don’t hesitate to call, okay?”

“Yes. Thank you.”

That night, as Eiji lays in bed and staring up at his ceiling, willing sleep to come, he realizes Ash’s ghost isn’t as active.

_ Goodbye,  _ he thinks to Ash and yet, nobody. He rolls over onto his side and curls up. As he falls asleep, he  _ swears _ he feels fingers softly run through his hair.


End file.
